A Heartwarming Sweepstake? Err, "Wait, wait! Don't Tell me"
0 comment Sunday, July 6, 2014 |
Every Sunday I watch Sixty Minutes without fail. When football games hijack the show and push it back an hour, I fly into a rage. This Sunday I was certain Saturday Night Live had preempted the show.
During the commercials, up popped this jubilant old vaudeville guy. Hollywood lights in a square flashed behind him. "This is a REAL sweepstakes" the Shakeys Pizza Man drolly declared. Because CBS cares!
And what do you get as the sweepstakes winner? A FREE colonoscopy, performed by the renowned Dr. So and So in New York City. Roundtrip airfare included! But wait. That's not all.
For the big preparation night, CBS will provide you and a "companion" with luxury accomodations at the Loews Regency. A COMPANION?
Excuse me? Who wants a companion in the aftermath of an enema? Unless CBS meant "nurse." But if they're providing a nurse, why didn't they just say so?
Too unappealing, probably. Oh yeah, sign me up for an enema with a strange nurse in an out-of-town hotel room.
And what the hell is the hotel thinking, signing up for this? Yes, come to our Loews Regency for 3 days (which we all know means 2 nights, a 3pm check-in, and a 10:00am boot).
Try as you might, you'll never forget your stay.
Room service waiters will smirk at you knowingly and refuse to bring you food on your first night. The housekeeper will give you a motherly pat in the morning. And the concierge will smile a little too expectantly when he says, "I trust your stay went well?"
And we know this big CBS promotion won't end when the colonoscopy does. CBS may care about you, but it cares about its ratings, too. Get real here, people. You won't be a lucky prize winner who fades to black, never to be seen or heard from again.
Oh no. Once the colon promo guys declare you the winner, they'll talk you into televising the whole thing from beginning to end. It will start with them following you around your room on prep night.
"How are you feeling right now, knowing tomorrow might bring news that your death is imminent?" When you start crying, they'll zoom in for a close-up.
When it's time for the crew to leave you alone, once the enema kicks in, they'll do a live shot outside your Regency door. "Well folks, Lawyer Mom needs her privacy now, as you might have guessed (wink wink). Yes, for LM it will be an anxious night of watching and waiting. We at CBS Cares hope the morning brings her some welcome relief."
And you just know they're secretly gunning for an early-stage polyp. So they can drag out the story and showcase a tearful, grateful viewer. I'm thinking a new reality show is in the works: "CBS Saved My Life."
Umm, no thanks, caring CBS. Let Catie Couric keep her crown, remain the reigning queen of live colonoscopy TV. Think I'll pass on this one. I'd rather win some debt from Albertson's or jump into a bathtub in the wilderness, stark raving naked.
PS: Looks like my husband got rooked by an online computer refurber. The new-ish computer has STILL not arrived. "Ships in 5 business days"? LMAO said this blackberry blawgess. More details to follow if they are indeed crooks.

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