What Drives Me Bonkers

1. Typos on news channels: today on CNBC the headline under the stock analyst read, "Walmart says earnings will be bellow analysts forecasts."
2. Malaprops: Sarah Palin, speaking this morning said the Republican Governors' Association was eager to "bring back the change" this country needs. Bring back the change?
3. Non-words: As in, "Irregardless of what you say, rod iron staircases are beautiful. Once I get orientated I will further commentate."
4. Medical people who speak to you in a loud sing-song voice, as though you were a child (because all of us become deaf and drop 20 IQ points when we walk into a doctor's office, right?). See also, medical people who pretend they are giving you a choice instead of a command and use excessive med-speak.
Example #1: yesterday I got an eye exam. The medical technician said, "You can take your contact lenses out now, if you'd like." Me: "I wouldn't like." Her: "Well, you have to take them out so we can dilate your eyes." Me: "Oh, I see. It's not an option. Next time just tell me what you want me to do with a nice 'please.'"
Example #2: the doctor while examining my eye, dictated to the nurse, "ABP in OS." Me (alarmed): "ABP! What is that? All Points Bulletin? Is that code for 'I'm going blind?'" Doctor: "It just means ______. When I am all finished I will explain everything. It will be easier than stopping the exam each time I dictate something to the nurse." Me: "In other words, I shouldn't ask any more questions." Doctor: "Oh no. I love questions. It's just . . . " Me: "Look. If it were your eyes and a doctor looking at them called out some mysterious, fatal-sounding acronym, you'd be curious too."
5. Unamusing signs in bureaucratic settings: like, "What part of NO don't you understand?" The eye-doctor check-out woman had a big one, tacked over her computer for all to see, that said, "If Satan reminds you of your past, you remind him of the future." WTF?
6. Tasteless taglines on clothes: sayings like "Mommy's Little Mistake" embroidered on a newborn's jumpsuit, or "I'd rather be waterboarding" emblazoned across a t-shirt.
7. People who wait to fill out their deposit slip until they are first in line in the bank drive-through lane. The other day a woman pulled this deposit-slip stunt in the ATM lane, completely blocking it while the rest of us were trapped behind her idling. If I'd been in a Hummer I'd have driven right over her.
8. Mean drivers. They seem to be multiplying these days. Last night I was at a four-way stop and thought it was my turn. The other guy clearly disagreed and decided he'd sure show me. After I was already in the intersection, he turned left into my lane of traffic, almost t-boning me, and then tailgated me with his brights on. WTF?
9. Obsolete commercials, like those Ditech ads to refinance, or the annoying Capital One "What's in your wallet" ads. Those guys aren't writing low-interest mortgages or issuing credit cards any more. Give me a break.
10. Automated robot-voice phone systems, like the one used by American Airlines. The robot woman is always saying to me, "I'm sorry. I couldn't understand you. Let's try again. Are you wanting information on departures or arrivals?" When I see people stomping around the airport pulling their hair out, screaming "AGENT . . . AGENT . . . AGENT damn it!" into their cell phones, I know exactly how they feel.
11. Mis-
pronunciations: nuclear as new-cue-larr, irrevocable pronounced eery-vocable (there's never been a long E in irrevocable; people don't say irrEEverent, for heaven's sake, so where do they get irrEEvocable?), saying for-mid'-able when it should be for'-mid-able (news people are constantly getting it wrong, emphasizing the "mid" instead of the "for"). Finally the ubiquitous real-a-tore when it is actually "rill-tore" (how does real-a-tore even get said, when realtor is clearly a two-syllable word?).
12. Hand massages at nail places. Just after they've filed your nails, trimmed your cuticles and covered your hands and arms with all of your dead skin cells, they whip out the massage lotion so they can rub all of that sh-t into your skin. It defies logic.
The last two on my list are self-explanatory.
13. Public genital adjustment.
14. Trying on bathing suits. I'd happily opt for a root canal over this tourniquet trauma any day. And no, this is not me; if it were, trying on bathing suits would be a joyous occasion, never to make this list.

Labels: Drives