New Blogger Blues
0 comment Sunday, June 22, 2014 |
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This week has been extremely productive and paradigm shifting. I figured out how to post a picture. Widgets still send me over the edge, and "programming html" is for me like qualifying for the NASA space program. Zemanta (which says it finds pictures to correspond with your content) kept giving me sunrises, sunsets, and close-ups of snails when I typed in "angry mad woman" for my I'm-not-my-kid's-grandmother-so-F-you" post. So I then typed in astonished, shocked, outraged, incredulous, insulted, livid, and furious. Still got back pretty snails and sunsets. Had one draft spontaneously publish in the middle of a curse word, and I still can't decipher all of these acronyms: WAHM, BAHM, SAHM? No thank you, mam. I do like WTF, though. That one I get.
Then there is the "nice mom but total stranger" wants to be my "friend," and will I accept or reject this total stranger? situation. Well . . . let me just say I de-pledged a sorority after 1 week (being required to wear stockings at mandatory weekly sit-down dinners did not sit well with me) so the "friend" thing kind of weirds me. Then there was the post on one of those sites by a new blogger mom pretending to fret over only 250 visitors, after blogging for like, I think she said, twelve hours. Sure. Finally, I think I ran off a wholesome blogger dad with a curse word or two or three. So here's my week, in a poem to Wholesome Blogger Dad, replete with all the jargon I still don't quite understand.
Dear Blogger Dad,
I know that you have left me,
And I'm trying to win you back.
Here, my mom-blog ode to you,
A schizophrenic rap.
I had a scant five posts
-- felt like blogger's pelts,
When I took you for granted,
Like a knotch in my belt.
Morning-after time now --
Getting back on the stick.
But you're silence says so loudly
I was nothing but a flick(r).
We met in a mom blog --
Do you even remember?
Few days left in August,
'Twas the eve of September.
You asked for an address
From this mom, blogger tender.
I gave me to you then
On a little piece of twitter.
When you promised we'd cross-link,
Heart was pounding, couldn't think.
Not having heard from you since then,
Nerves are raw, I'm on the brink.
It is true that on my blog
You had never commented.
Yet you stopped by every day.
I was sure you'd committed.
And now that you are gone,
I am lonely for your wit.
With bloggers, I'm not a girl
Who would normally flit . . .
I'm not a mom who writes or blogs-
Not while intox-i-cated.
Though with a glass of wine or two,
I get re-lax-i-cated.
If my email sent this weekend
Made you stop, gave you pause,
I've no doubt relaxication
Was the probable cause.
The Mom-Blog secret manual,
Surely will be shown to me . . .
If I can make it through this post,
And through freshman-blog week three.
Blogger Dad, you are so fine
And widget well-versed;
But I am gadget-phobic,
And archive averse.
To you I give much credit --
You are the blogging MAN.
While for me it this day dawned:
"Stay-at-home-mom" is . . . .SAHM
As for BAHM, there is no reference,
I know of no I.D.
Though "belligerent-at-home-mom"
Describes me to a T.
I sent my zippy mail to you,
Not trying to offend.
Just a new blogger in this town,
Worried she wouldn't blend.
So forgive me my crassness
And my sheer ineptitude.
Caustic mom I'll always be,
I was born with attitude.
So with trembling humility,
I now do hereby recant
For all the world to see by me
My relaxicated rant.

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