I Kid You Not.

China has got it going on, girlfriends, let's face it. School zones are passe'. Just order the kids to salute all passing cars instead. They're so much safer that way. Heck, let's fire the crossing guards while we're at it.
So that more people can qualify, a borrower's unemployment benefits will now count as income in the government's loan modification program.
What's that? What happens when their benefits run out and they can't pay the mortgage? Oh, who cares. That's so not the point.
The Baby Einstein videos were a sham? No way! No, really. Way. Disney is handing out refunds, sans receipts!
Housework leads to more sex, so says a study reported by the WSJ. Seeing all those cheetoh particles and dirt in my Dyson vacuum canister is downright erotic. Gives me goosebumps just to turn it on. Varoom!
Women are evolving to become shorter and fatter. And I, my friends, am highly evolved.
A well-educated woman who marries a lesser-educated man has a better chance of staying married than if neither are educated. But the best combination? A well-educated woman and a man five years her senior, if neither have been through a divorce.
Yahoo hired lap dancers for its "Hack Day." But the event was held in Taiwan. And Yahoo said it was sorry. And what is "Hack Day" anyway?
The United States Supreme Court has agreed to hear Jeff Skilling's appeal in the Enron case. My prediction? He'll win. And Enron will have been another Arthur Andersen.
Can you type 80 words per minute? How about review 80 documents per hour? This is an email sent to contract lawyers at an unnamed firm.
"Please pick up the pace. They are expecting you to do about 80 docs an hour and all of you are less than half that. Changes will be made soon if this does not change asap."Yeah. That's the firm I want working on my big-document case, for sure.
From Craigslist: Male attorney seeks legal secretary: for secretarial and paralegal work, oh, and sex . . . with him, his partner, and sometimes both of them at the same time. In fact, sex will be part of the interview process, you know, so they're sure you can handle the job.
"...[W]e've decided that as a part of the interview process you'll be required to perform sexually...I think it's necessary to see if you can do that, because it'll predict future behavior of you being able to handle it when you have the job."This lawyer guy's got great grammar, eh? But hey, save some time, lawyer dude, and use this online dating site to screen applicants. Because if the girls are ugly? Well, then, they won't be "accepted."
Some self-help justice in the wild west: a few homeowners in California robbed some "avoid-foreclosure" scammers. And . . . kidnapped them . . . and tortured them. There's a legal defense called "justification" . . .
Adderall, anyone? The Northwest Airlines pilots say they lost track of time while working on their laptops. That's why they didn't hear the radio calls. Or spot the numerous text messages. But I still say the elephant in the living room is sex. Come on, admit it. Isn't that the first thing you thought was going on, when you heard the story?
Hit me with your best shot! The Chamber of Commerce says the White House attacks are helping the Chamber. And Fox's ratings are up 20% this year.
Hooters managers ride for The Cure. It seems fitting. They're really putting their money where their, err, never mind.
Speaking of mouths . . . we were, weren't we? When is a kiss just a kiss? What if it cost you $140k to be the winning bidder, and it's Charlize Theron you're kissing?

It's not the price that's throwing me, or the kiss for that matter. It's the dual action leg thing going on.
(Updated 10/27/09 to clarify the "kiss").

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